


The Mystery of Black Volga

by Spideryspade



Category: Sam & Max
Genre: A bit bc i changed how they met geek, Adoption, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Florida, M/M, Max wears a tutu for like, Smooching, Weddings, but only one, fluff at the end, one paragraph - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-07-16 02:13:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16076195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spideryspade/pseuds/Spideryspade
Summary: Mack Salmon, once again, plans to destroy the Freelance Police. This time, however, he plans to trap the Commissioner's daughter in matrimony!A.k.aMax and Sam are gay dorks while fighting crime





	The Mystery of Black Volga

"Hey Sam." Max started, throwing yet another punch in a mobster's direction. The room was hardly illuminated by the tiny windows positioned in the unpainted, grey wall. The case which they were currently applying finishing touches to, has been particularly easy to solve. Thief robs a bank, bankers turn out to be a bunch of looneys whose boss is some North European Mafioso. You, know. The usual.

"Yes, little buddy?" Sam asked, cocking his head to the side. The dog was enjoying the view of good, justified violence before his friend began the conversation. The canine was leaning on the gangster's dusty desk, his hands leaving the wooden surface already feeling like objects belonging in an antique shop.

"Let's get married, I've heard that the Toronto river is beautiful this time of year." Max said, looking at his partner after dropping the unconscious mafioso on the ground who grumbled something, his nose letting a nice stream of blood. Max looked at the job well done and dusted off his hands.

"How about something closer? Like a White House wedding?" Sam walked towards the exit door and opened the door, wide enough for his little buddy to walk through. He soon followed, seeing the bright scenery of New York.

"No, that'd just be copying Sybil." The lagomorph exclaimed, gesturing with his hands, hearing some distant sirens of the vocational police. Amateurs. They'd never catch anyone with that pacing!

"Why do you want to marry so bad? No offense, but we spend all the time in each other's company anyway, Max." Sam asked, shrugging and entering still possessed Desoto, not letting his partner as much as touch the steering wheel, much to Max's displeasure.

"But this way we can make it official! Plus, I promised Sybil that she could help plan the wedding when, and here I quote, "you two finally decide to come to your senses and tie the knot"." Max air-quoted, looking between the road ahead and the steering wheel. He noticed, with the corner of his eye, the slight change in the canine's expression.

"Sometimes I wish I knew how the conversations between the U.S president and the ex-Queen of Canada go." Sam chuckled slightly, more to himself than anything, a slight smile becoming a resident on his face.

"That's a secret only revealed at girlfriend meetings. If you found out about anything that was happening there, I'd have to set you and everything you love, on fire." The lagomorph explained with pure seriousness in his voice, causing Sam to let out more of a belly chuckle.

"You crack me up little buddy." He looked at his partner with nothing, but appreciation.

The ride back home consisted mostly of jokes and reminiscing of the past cases. They entered the neighborhood, recklessly parking the car near their office. Upon entering the door leading inside the building the were greeted by the common sight of Flint Paper's enemies laying unconscious on the floor. They opened their, rashly unlocked, office door. The Freelance Police was met by the sight of many collectives from past cases, their desks and a locker. Sam sat down at his desk, basically sinking into his chair. Max, on the other hand, decided to sit on the big desk's surface.

Suddenly, Sam flung from his chair as if electified, his hat amusingly flying into the air. "We've forgotten about the rings!"

"Don't you worry your weird, misshapen head, Sam. I've got them right..." He started to look around his- that's not an information he'd like to share in a simple fanfiction, thank you, good reader- only to come empty handed, looking at his partner in a rather empty manner, the corners of his mouth falling. "Ok, you may start to worry."

Suddenly, their phone began to ring.

"I got it!" Declared Max, only to be jumped on by Sam, effectively pinning him to the ground.

The dog picked up the phone, leaving Max wondering what the conversation might've been about. "Yes?... Yes... You got to be kidding! Yes...  Holy flea on a skinhead's querulous stallion riding off into a sunset!We're on our way!"

"Did the Commissioner get my recording?" The rabbity-thing asked, genuinely curious, feeling the weight of his friend get lift off of him.

"Yes and he is very disappointed in you for setting the rats on fire." Sam looked down at Max, as if he wasn't already, and gave him a scolding glare he could only imagine the Commissioner giving.

The lagomorph groaned, throwing his arms in the air. "They were skinbodies!"

"He also said that his daughter was kidnapped!" Sam shifted his weight, from one leg to another.

"Poor girl, can never get a break." Max kicked his legs in the air.

"Look, little buddy! A ransom note!" The dog declared, pointing at a small piece of paper on their pin board.

"Ooh! Fancy! What does it say?"

"It's about our wedding rings and the kidnapping! They've been stolen by Mack Salmon! He plans to use them for greater good- er, evil!" Sam corrected himself, reading the small note. He must really start carrying around reading glasses.

"I knew all of this seemed fishy." Max said, punching his open hand with a fist.

"Sorry, no time to laugh at your lame pun, little pal. We've got ourselves a case!" Sam said, rubbing the lagomorph's head before heading out.

Max followed soon after. "I call fried salmon for dinner!"

They needed to track down Mack Salmon, and with that they needed clues and witness's testimonies. May as well ask around the neighborhood.  
They entered one of the closer, newer buildings and were greeted by walls coated in baby blue, sharp corners secured by rubber and baby toys scattered all over the ground. At the reception, there was an unnerving amount of hair sticking out of a messy bun, belonging to none other than Mrs. Pandemik. "Hiya, Sybil!"

"Oh, Sam and Max, hi." She said, lifting her head from the desk. Her glasses were positioned at an awkward angle, failing to hide the bags under her eyes.

"Gee, you seem like you could take a break." Max grimaced at the sight.

"The baby has kept me up all night. I've read all the magazines and blogs I could find on being a mother, but neither of them even mentioned human-monument hybrids!" She fixed her glasses and yawned, resting her chin on her palm.

"I guess the little fellow is one of a kind. Not counting for his kin on municipal architecture, of course. Where is he, anyway?" Sam asked, putting his hands in his pockets.

"Oh, he's most likely to be running around the neighborhood. You know how active Robert is." She gestured with her free hand, blinking slowly and heavily.

"He's the only one to reach my levels of liveliness!" Max declared happily.

"Aren't you worried something will happen to him? Honestly, I thought you'd be more of a... conscientious parent." Sam cocked his head to the side, careful with his wording.

"I was, at first. Then I realized why everyone was running away from the carriage in the first few months. Besides, he's got a thick skin."

"Changing subject, have you, by any chance, seen a pusillanimous yet rancorous fish in a fish bowl stuck on top of a mannequin body on a wheelchair?" He asked, freeing his hands from his pockets.

"Hard not to, Evil cackling is surprisingly attention grabbing, especially done by a fish in a black van. Why?" She blinked at him.

"Black van? What is he, a communistic cryptid rumored only to spread distrust of minorities and people of religious background?" Sam asked, but received only blank looks.

"He stole our wedding rings and kidnapped the commissioner's daughter to use for his evil plan." Max explained, examining the toys on the ground. He recieved a shake of the canine's head.

"Wait, what? You guys are getting married? Why didn't you tell me?" Sybil asked, straightening her back.

"We're on a case, Sybil. We can't tell everyone about the details." Sam said, resting his hand on the desk.

"Didn't stop you before. Max, were you going to ask me to help you plan your big day?" She peeked over the counter to look at the lagomorph on the ground who, in return, was trying to hide toys behind his back.

"Sure... You can start doing it now, cause once we are finshed with that salmon, we are getting a wedding, NY style!" He yelled, throwing his hands in the air, along with toys which in return comically fell to the ground behind him.

"Oh, that's so 'cheesy romantic movie/fanfiction' style. I'll try to find something more distinguished." She said, mortified by Max's idea.

"Let the cake be a gun!" Max suggested, jumping off the ground.

"How about two guns, both resembling our weapons of choice?" Sam offered, taking out his revolver for reference.

"That's why I'm marrying you, you big lug." With that, Max's smile got even wider as he materialized his Luger.

They left their guns at Sybill's counter, so she had something to work with. Surely guns wouldn't be necessary for fighting a fish.

"Could you guys grab me a cup of coffee while you're out? Thank you!" Sybill asked, already getting to work on her best friends' wedding.

"Well, here we are at Stinky's." Sam exclaimed, looking at the, almost empty, tables at the diner. The drapes were lifted, allowing some of the natural sunlight to drown the room with its yellow hue, letting the sickly white lights rest. The Freelance Police heard light strumming of a poorly adjusted guitar come out of the jukebox, something similar to Sam's music escapades on his banjo, but nowhere as ironically enjoyable. "The place where washed up molemen and burn out cops feel at home"

The, now ape, sailor behind the counter eyed the duo, raising his brow at their entrance, but mostly keeping his eyes behind his cap. The duo came up to him, keeping their smiles on. "Whit dae ye want?" The man asked, his hands busy cleaning a glass with what seemed was a perfectly dry cloth.

"Is coffee still served tepid, with the distant taste of dust, accompanied by unspeakable amounts of caffeine?" Sam asked, picking out change from his left pocket and placing it on the counter.

"Oh, o' coorse it's. Ah'ament a monster." Grandpa Stinky said, turning over to work on that damned, ancient coffee machine.

"Hey Sam, should we invite Grandpa Stinky to our wedding?" Max asked, jumping up and sitting on the counter to get a better look of his partner's face.

"I don't see a reason why not to." The dog shrugged, smiling, waiting for the old man to finish up with the order."

"Here's yer coffee. Wid ye keek at that? th' spitball's aye kicking ah see? nae even death itself wis enough tae keep th' bas doon." Stinky said, shaking his head with unreadable expression before pushing the lagomorph off the counter.

"I wouldn't trust Death to keep anyone down to be frank. Changing subject, how's being an ape treating you, Stinky?" Sam asked, warming his hands with the cup.

"It haes ups 'n' downs, bit a' that fur is a real pain in th' bahookie." He responded, the Freelance Police only now noticing how unkept his fur was.

"Ba...hookie?" Max questioned, raising a brow.

"He meant butt." Sam responded, enlightening the rabbit who let out an "ooh" noise in response. Moments after Max began to giggle because Sam said butt.

"What has fur done to you that you despise it so much?" Sam looked back at Stinky.

"A dinnae ken howfur ye kin bide wi' it. It git a' pure weird 'n' dinnae git me stairted oan waashin it." Stinky complained.

"It's good to have a spare pair of hands around. It's especially nice once the gloved hands hit you behind the ears." Max exclaimed, remembering his and Sam's bathing sessions. Ah, good times.

"We are getting off track. Stinky, Max and I would like to invite you to our wedding which will take place whenever we get back from our current case." Sam said, smiling genuinely at the bemused ape.

"Ye twa ur tying th' knot? weel, ah will see whit ah kin dae. A've git a pairtie 'ere efter th'day." Stinky said, shifting his weight on the other leg.

"No worries, we will be back before you will be able to say 'What are ye two urchins still doin' here?'." Max said with a terrible impression of Stinky.

"I almost forgot. Have you seen something... Fishy around here?" The dog asked, smirking slightly.

"Oh, now you got time to laugh at a lame pun, huh?" Max put his hands on his hips.

"That rascal! He stormed intae mah diner as if he owned th' steid 'n' requested a cake! A cake! Efter getting hee haw that he wished fur, he stormed oot. Said something aboot flying tae Florida.

"Did he say exactly where he was going to stay? A town or region?"

"Sorry lads, hee haw." Stinky said, shrugging.

"Darn." Sam lowered his fist on the counter.

Max gasped. "Sam! Such foul language."

They decided they had nothing more to talk about with Grandpa Stinky, so they thanked for the coffee and went out, not hearing him calling them out for the few cents left at the counter as payment. They, once more, entered the building containing Sybil's office.  
"Sybil, we're back!"

"With a possibly radioactive coffee-like product!" Max said, holding the coffee up to the air.

"You guys are life-saviours! Thank you so much!" She declared before recieving the cup and gulping it down as fast as she could.

"It's no biggie. Now, if you won't mind, we'll be on our way. We have to go," Sam shifted his hat so it was sticking out, creating a dramatic effect.

"To Florida."

They stood at a beach, wearing swiming suits or, in Max's case, a waterproof tutu. "Well, here we are, at the sunny beach of Florida."

"Unfortunately, the author isn't even American, so slight abnormalities may occur." He said, wobbling on the hot sand.

"I wonder why Mack Salmon is here. He's got no connections around." Sam thought out loud, unexplainably no longer wearing his swimming clothes.

"With Florida's fauna and possibly cursed weather? This place is madman's paradise!" Max took off his oversized sunglasses and looked down, as if his eyes were going to water. "I feel at home."

"C'mon, little buddy. I think we have found ourselves a clue." Sam said, pointing at the button he found at the ground."

"Drop it, Sam! Do you know where it could've been?"

"Shush, bonehead. It's a button with a string attached. Left by none other the commissioner's daughter. Look, she left it to lead us to Salmon's hideout!"

"Ohh, I see... Except I don't, the string's too small." He said, causing Sam to roll his eyes. He giggled at his partner's reaction, but soon enough followed him.

They reached a shady looking factory. Glue factory. The gate was guarded by a scrappy red head. "Pardon me... Sirs. You can't come in here."

"Step aside, citizen. We're the Freelance Police." They've showed him their badges, getting no reaction.

"Or don't, if you want me to pee on your shoe." Max suggested .

"Look, I can't let you guys through. My boss would have my head if I did, so just turn around, ok?" The kid explained, anxiously looking back at the factory.

"We will have your head if you won't let us in." Max said, but the red head wouldn't budge.

Sam let out a breath through his nostrils. "We'll be back."

He shrugged. "Hope not."

While they were walking away, Max pouted. "That guy was such a jerk, you should've let me talk him." 

"By talking you mean "ripping off his arm and slapping him with it", don't you?" Sam asked, knowing all too well how his little buddy handled things.

"Actually, it was "tying his arms and legs together and holding over a deep pit of the ocean" but your idea is good too!" He exclaimed, smilling just a little too wide.

"We have to figure out how to get in without being noticed." The stopped in their tracks at the beach, and pondered how to get through the guy.

 

* * *

 

"Im glad we managed to do this completely unnoticed in an awesome and creative way!" Max exclaimed, reminiscing about their sneaky ways, worth quite a few paragraphs of text.

"Me too, Max. Now be quiet, we don't want anyone to hear us." The dog shooshed him as they hid behind some machinery. They saw some guards enter. By the looks of it, there weren't that many of them.

"And then I said "just take the screwdriver!" The other guards started laughing at the Guard-in-a-hat's out-of-context joke. They immediately stopped, hearing some cans getting toppled over.

"Hey, who goes there?" They readied their futuristic looking guns in the noise's general direction causing the noise to panic and come up with a dumb idea.

First came out a tiny lagomorph, on all fours, trying hard to look as innocent as he could. "Woof."

Then came out a dog of astounding height, just like his partner, on all fours. He dropped his hat, putting it in his jacket's pocket. "Meow."

One of the guards shrugged, waving his hand at the disguised police. "It's probably Boss's pet, dunno about the other one."

Another guard came up to Sam, examining him, making a grimaced face. "Just throw it in the trash."

Hearing that, Sam, for some reason imponderable even to him, turned around and chomped down on the guard's leg. He'll have to wash his teeth again once they get back. The guard let out a yelp, holding onto the injured limb. "Ow! That stupid mutt bit me!"

"Go get Steve a medic, the dog goes right into cage." The guard in a captain hat exclaimed, looking at Sam and smiling malevolently.

"Sam!" Max cried out, drawing the canine in question's attention. The lagomorph was currently being taken away into a big, dark hallway, with only green lights illuminating it. At the end there was a door from under which bright blue light was coming out.

"Don't worry, little buddy. I'll see you later!" Sam on the other hand was being dragged to another, much closer room. He saw a glimpse of the door code, already planning his escape.

'I wonder how the hell did nobody notice that I'm not a cat. Guess it must be my marketable cuteness.' Max pondered, smooshing down strands of fur on his head.

"Sir, we have found your..." The guard held up the lagomorph to get a better look of him, unsure of his species. "...pet, wandering around the facility."

Mack Salmon, the big bad of this story, was currently positioned to look at the big screen in front of him. Max could see some surveillance camera's recording, most likely from inside the facility. He noticed some trapped animals and felt anger bubble inside him once he noticed his partner being thrown into a cage. "Just leave it in its cage." He waved at the guard, who did as he was told. The entire wall was prepped up in small cages, animals of various height, usually deemed by humans to be 'cute' sitting inside them.

'Oh, so that's what he meant by a pet. My theory was right then!' His train of thought was stopped as his back hit the back of the cage and he heard door close in front of him. He sighed, noticing the button next to his cage. As if they wanted him to escape! 'I wonder how's Sam handling things.'

Sam was handling things very, very poorly.

"In you go, you oversized doormat!" The guard had to use his whole strenght to throw the dog into the larger cage propped near the wall, at a wooden box, conveniently near where the keys were stored.

Sam growled at the guard upon hearing that comment, but the guard ignored him, leaving the room. "Why, you little punk! I'll show you oversized!"

"It's no use. Nothing can save you now." One of the animals, a tired looking porcupine, exclaimed, laying down on his stomach. As if porcupines could lay any different.

"I've been in situations far more helpless before, good sir." Sam said, reaching out with his hand, trying to grab the keys on the hook.

"We've been held here for hours, days, months!" Another animal, a duck? With a beaver's tail? Just what sick experiments were taking place here?

Sam touched the keys, causing them to jingle with their sweet melody of freedom. What he hasn't felt, was the cage moving dangerously close to the edge of the box. "Surprising, considering it's been only a day. What is going around here anyway?"

"You haven't heard? Mack Salmon plans to destroy Sam and Max on his wedding with some girl. Poor lad, must be held against her will." The porcupine said, shaking his head.

"And how is he planning to do this? The destroying part, that is." Sam asked, not really that curious. Keys jingled again.

"Why, by mind controlled animals, of course." The duck-beaver hybrid exclaimed.

"That's why we sit here." The porcupine sighed, looking down. "Just waiting for our doom, I suppose."

"Geez, that's depressing." Sam exclaimed, feeling his fingers touch the keys.  "Almost, almost, and--"

He fell down with a loud thud.

"Ouch."

Suddenly the backroom doors opened, and a man with a weird looking syringe entered the room."Doctor will see you now. Let's start with hostile ones, shall we?" He eyed Sam wickedly.

The dog in question gulped.

Max was sitting on his knees in his much too small for his liking cage. He was attempting to grab the keys whilst Salmon was giving out his evil plan to his captive fiancée. "You may wonder why I have gathered all of those animals in cages. You see, everytime I plan to take over the world there's one duo, one pair that always foils my plans! The pair that caused my condition! And today, is the day they cease to exist!" He started to laugh, as one of the guards positioned him closer to the cage that the Commissioner's daughter was currently the resident of. "This will be my wedding gift for you, destroying Sam and Max, once and for all!"

She held a firm grip on the steel bars, her eyes watering with anger. "You're insane! Why are you doing this? Why kidnap me?"

"To destroy the remaining bothersome straight arrows in the world I need to take care of the source. From what I gathered, they always get information from one person. Your father. And what more of a loss a father could bear than to lose a child?" He smiled diabolically.

She gasped, covering her mouth. "Sam and Max will stop you!"

"I surely hope so, after all, we can't let those brainwashed beasts go to waste." He exclaimed, already rolling back at his previous place.

'How to get out, how to get out...' Sam pondered, before noticing a nice, big red button positioned a bit higher than his cage was, but still moderately reachable. 'Aha!'

He pushed his furry hand through the steel bars, quickly opening his, and nearby animals', cages. He giggled to himself. 'Sam would've done the same. Hell, he'd get them even faster!'

Suddenly, the only door in the room opened, letting in a tall, bulky guard in. He seemed to be trying to hold something in the hall, away from the room. Something that just screamed like trouble. Ugh, now Max sounded like Sam! "Sir. We have one of the animals ready."

The guard behind the fish turned the wheelchair towards the newcomer's direction. "Perfect! Let it in, I want to see it before it becomes useful."

"Of course, Sir."

He came back with the animal in question, causing Max's eyes to widen and his usual smile to disappear. What he was looking at was his best friend, growling and barking, acting like a every other dumb animal. He was kept on a leash, though his tie was still stubbornly tied around his neck. He was wearing his normal clothes, except for the, now missing, jacket. His fur was matted, no where near its usual state.

Max's felt an uncomfortably big lump grow in his throat. He wanted to scream and shout and cry and tear apart whoever did it. His eyes wandered to the fish who just kept talking.

"Now, that's interesting. I didn't expect the Freelance Police to be part of my mindless army. Nevertheless, put him in the cage, near--" He was stopped by a foot hitting his bowl, causing it to roll down on the floor, thankfully not spilling all of the water.

Mack Salmon did not have enough time to register an antromorphized white ball of fury take him out of his tank and hit him square in his fishy face.

"That's for stealing our wedding rings!" Max said, hitting the fish with all his might. "That's for kidnapping the Commissioner's daughter!" Salmon felt the unbearable lack of oxygen burn his way to his brain. "That's for putting us in a cage!" He saw some black dots move from behind the white blob in front of him. "And that's for brainwashing my partner!" But another punch didn't happen.

Instead, he was put back in the water. One of his bodyguards asked if he needed medical attention.

"No, no. I'm fine." The fish breathed heavily in his bowl. He eyed Max, who was currently being held by two of his guards, with vengeance clear in his eyes. "But the lagomorph here doesn't seem to be. How about we let his friend console him?" He let the two free the rabbit while the man standing in the back freed Sam from his leash.

The canine barked and growled, causing Max to back up, Sam right on his tail. The lagomorph felt metal behind his back, probably reached the console. He cursed under his breath, feeling Sam's hot breath on his face.

"Sam. I know you're in there somewhere! Remember me? I'm Max, your friend, we've known each other since we wore diapers for Pete's sake!" The dog did nothing, except drool on Max, causing his face to turn into a grimace.

But because Sam did not attack him, the lagomorph decided to make his chance at diversion. "It will hurt me more than it will hurt you. Just kidding." He kicked Sam right in the chin, running under him, getting hold of his tie. Sam dropped to the ground as Max pulled his tie sharp. He turned around, letting another growl before charging at the lagomorph.

Max ran towards one of the guards, Sam running right behind him. What the guard did not expect was Max jumping right into his hands. "Think fast, skipper!"

The dog jumped right on the guard, just as Max jumped out of his hands, rolling onto the ground. He smiled, seeing his partner rip and chew through clothes and skin. "That's right, buddy!" He cheered, noticing that Sam has calmed down a bit after leaving the guard unconscious, possibly from shock.

Sam sat down with his hands on the floor and knees propped up. He was panting with his tongue out, but seemed moderately happy. "Now, who's a good brainwashed fiancé? You are! You are!" Max patted his head, with the dog practically melting at his touch.

But that quickly ended with Salmon getting furious with his workers. "Idiots! Get them!"

Max snapped his fingers, smiling mischievously. After getting Sam's attention he pointed towards the men coming at them, already feeling the jolly adrenaline rushing in his veins. There were approximately 8 men, thankfully unarmed, or so it seemed.

Max decided to take the left side, hearing Sam's growl on the contraposition. The lagomorph jumped on one of the guard's shoulders, biting into his scalp. The man, trying to take him off, had knocked into other guards, successfully knocking them out. They rolled to the ground in a tangled mass of limbs and Max has decided that no matter how many times he would brush his teeth, he would still feel the ungodly taste of sweaty, unwashed hair.

He looked over to how his friend was doing. It seemed he handled the case pretty well, having only one guard left. However, Max's eyes widened as he noticed the man draw something out of his front pocket. The rabbit ran as fast as his hideously oversized feet would let him and jumped at the guard, kicking him in the process. His smile widened once he noticed that he managed to break the man's nose.

The lagomorph turned around to face the fish surrounded by its unconscious workers. He really needs to get more of them, or get better ones. "This is the end, Salmon! Tell me how to unbrainwash Sam or face my wrath!" Max exclaimed, basically screaming the last part, causing the fish to flinch.

"Over my dead body!" Salmon exclaimed, rising his head with pride, hoping that the rabbit would just leave him alone.

But Max's smile just turned mischievous, closing distance between them, ready as he could be to use unspeakable ways of torture. "With pleasure!"

Seeing this, Salmon's heart began to race, but he didn't say a word.. He pushed his back against his bowl's wall as Max got uncomfortably close. His hand hovered over the surface of water, causing Salmon's eyes to blow wide. Max's finger had to merely touch the water for the fish to start begging. "Stop! I'll talk! Just don't put your filthy hands in my water!"

"This works everytime." The rabbit smiled, blowing his finger out as it was smoking.

"You have to talk with our technician, she knows everything around here!" Mack said, breathing heavily.

"You better not be lying, or else I'll put more than my hands in your water. Let's go, Sam" Max exclaimed, taking Sam's tie into his hand and leading him out of the room.

They entered one of the rooms that simply said "TECH". The inside was mostly empty, except for some machinery positioned at the wall and a tremendous amount of stairs leading someplace higher. "Ding dong! Anyone home? I got a ferocious, six foot standing dog on my leash and I'd like to place a complaint!" Max yelled out, hearing his echo yell back at him.

"Don't touch anything! I'll be down in a minute." Yelled out a young sounding voice, and Max did what he was asked for.

For approximately 3 seconds.

Max heard someone clear their throat and turned around, seeing a redhead, around his height minus the ears. She raised a brow, clearly not wanting anything to do with them. "Wow, you're..." Max started, trying to find the least offensive term for "midget" in his random fuzzy brain.

"Woof!" Sam said, walking to the previously unnoticed by the lagomorph table.

"Actually, Sam, I think the correct term is "short"." Max said smugly.

"What do you think you're doing?" She exclaimed, seeing the lagomorph play with one of her tools.

"Is it not obvious?" He asked, before firing some kind of ray into the air. Huh, last time he checked wrenches didn't shoot lasers.

"Give it back. And get your dog from licking the peanut butter jar, it's gross." She pointed towards Sam who was currently trying to get rid of peanut butter off the roof of his mouth.

"About that, could you fix him? We've run into a bit of a pickle with mind control." The rabbit explained, leaning against one of the machine's console, possibly pressing more than just one button with his elbow.

"And why should I help you?" She asked, squinting at the rabbit.

"We are kind of in the middle of saving the world, and this," He pointed towards his partner who was currently chasing his tail, despite the fact that it was still hidden underneath his clothing. "is really inconvenient."

"Wait, you're Sam and Max?" Her eyes widened, more with curiosity than shock.

"Aw, you've heard of us?" Max clasped his hands together, getting a warm feeling of being famous in his gut. That or an indigestion.

"Yeah, that fish keeps yapping about you. I'm surprised there aren't any guards pouring in just to catch you two." She said walking over to Sam who was scratching his ear with his paw.

"Yeah, they will be napping, for a longer while." Max grunted as he helped move the unwilling dog towards what looked like the dentist chair with metal cuffs made for every limb.

"I'm Darla Gugenheek, but call me Geek." She requested, walking over to a safe. Seriously, how many things did they not notice before?

"Max, and that big oaf that just won't sit up is Sam." He said, clear annoyance in his voice as he strapped the dog to the chair. "Say Geek, did Mack Salmon kidnap you too?"

"No, I was in for the money. Collage isn't free and nowhere in the ad did it say that he was an evil megalomaniac." She tapped a syringe containing green liquid, getting all the air bubbles out. "Keep him still. I need to insert the syringe."

She did as she said, slowly but surely getting the antidote into the dog's veins. Sam seemed startled at the beginning, but soon enough calmed down, lazily resting his head at the chair. He blinked lazily, getting used to the bright light of the lamps. He noticed a shadow obscure his vision before a familiar voice spoke. "Sam? You ok? If you're dead, can I drive back home?"

"If you want me to throw you on the road." Sam responded, raising his head before getting uncuffed by his partner. Sam smiled tiredly at the lagomorph who in response jumped at him, hugging his neck.

After Max let go of Sam, the canine noticed how chilly it was before realizing he was missing his hat and jacket. "What happened to my clothes?"

"You were rendered a mindless animal whose only instinct was to kill everyone in your sight. It was horrifying!" Max explained, smiling just a tad too wide for it to be comforting.

"I didn't hurt anyone, right?" Sam asked, holding onto his head, trying to get a clear picture out of his buzzing memories.

"You don't remember anything?" The rabbit cocked his head to the side.

"Everything seems to be a red blur after that doc came in." Sam said, looking over at the small genius he just noticed.

"It must've been Doctor Lekarz. I don't trust him one bit." She said, looking angrily at the floor.

"Quite a name for a doctor." Sam joked before trying to stand up, only to end up on his knees.

"Woah, watch out, big guy! You've been walking on all fours for the past few paragraphs." Max said, trying to help his friend up.

"My head is killing me..." Sam said, rubbing his forehead.

Noticing that the canine was mostly fine, Max started to head out. "Thanks for the help, Geek!"

"If you'll need me, I'll be upstairs." She yelled, already halfway up the stairs.

"Let's go get our rings and the commissioner's daughter!" Max said, encouraging his partner to keep the show on rolling.

"Let's." Sam let go of his little buddy, his wobbly legs keeping him up this time. He shook his head getting the last of the headache out of his system.

They entered the main room, Mack Salmon in the same position as they left him in. "You've came back to torment me? To rub your victory in my face?"

"Relax, we're here for the stolen goods and a person." Sam said, moving over to the biggest cage in the room.

"Speak for yourself, I'm taking him home to keep with Mr. Spatula." Max said before jumping onto the fake body's lap and grabbing the bowl, despite the fish's ignored pleas he hid it away into his hammerspace.

"I sure got them good, didn't I?" Sam commented, noticing somewhat bloody, but thankfully, or rather hopefully, only unconscious goons.

"I think I even saw some arms flying!" Max said, basically skipping to his partner.

"That explains that copper taste in my mouth." Sam frowned, licking around his mouth.

They came up to the hung cage and hit the button positioned underneath that read 'RELEASE'."Thank you for freeing me! It was so horrible here!" She said, hugging them both briefly.

"We can't fathom what you've been through." Sam said, his little buddy already wandering off somewhere.

"Boop." Aforementioned rabbit pressed the big red button on the main console.

"Watch out, little buddy! We wouldn't want to blow up the factory for a mistake!" The canine called out whilst helping the ex-hostage out of the cage.

"Relax, I just freed the caged animals so the author wouldn't feel bad." Max said, rolling his eyes at his partner's timidness.

Sam walked towards the console, noticing the dark blue ring box. "Can't forget that, now can we?" He picked it up, only to realize that it served as a paperweight to the self-destruct button

"Self-destruct sequence initiated. Remaining time: 60 seconds." An emotionless voice informed.

"Why does it always have to be 60 seconds?" Max groaned, leaning against the console while the counting was going down in the background.

The dog picked the rabbit up, easily scooping him up with one arm. "Gotta go!" He exclaimed, grabbing the Commissioner's daughter with his free hand, throwing her over his shoulder.

The Geek heard the countdown and looked out at the hall to see what was going on, only to see a charging dog. "What have you guys done!"

"Geek!" The Freelance Police called out, Sam grabbing Max's legs for the lagomorph to pick the girl up.

"Hey, put me down!" She said, obviously not.pleased with being carried.

"Is this how you feel when you hold me, Sam?" Max asked, causing his partner to roll his eyes.

"I have no idea what you've done, but you did it!" A voice exclaimed from the side and Sam noticed few familiar faces, namely the unnamed porcupine and that poor, poor chimera.

"Why are you still on all fours?" He asked, the hall seeming way longer than it should've been.

"What do you mean?" The porcupine asked confused.

They reached the door just as the computer voice, really reminding Sam of Internet, exclaimed they had 3 seconds left. The animals sprinted out at the sides while the Freelance Police with other survivors rolled onto the hot, Floridian beach. "Oof." Sam hit the ground, letting go of everyone and hoping they were in just enough distance from the factory.

"Self-destruction sequence completed. Hope you have a nice day." The place blew up in a colorful explosion, letting them feel a hot gust of wind.

"I sure do hope everyone got out before the building collapsed." Sam said, noticing two flying objects, one faster than the other. He was able to examine them once they hit the ground as his hat and jacket, tragically burned and unable to be worn. He really liked this hat.

"I've got the main villain of the story right here." Max yelled, stopping Sam's train of thought and showcasing Mack Salmon to everyone.

Sam smiled, shaking his head. "And another case closed."

"Now we can finally go home!" Max said, walking out of the private area along with his friend.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Both members of the freelance police looked at each other, questionable.

 

* * *

 

"Do you, Maximillian, take Samuel as your lawful husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish until death do you part?" After they came back home, right after they delievered past soon-to-be-fish's-fiancée home, they went to Sybil's, the Geek following them, having nowhere to go now. Sybil had practically squealed as they came in, drowning them in bazillion ideas. They decided to settle for a 'smaller' wedding, well as small as you can get with their extended families and friends. Max decided that Sam looked better in white, since on him, it would just blend altogether. Sam agreed in a form of a laugh.

"You bet I do! And here's a li'l something to show it." He placed a golden ring on his partner's much bigger hands.

"And do you, Samuel, take Maximillian, as your lawful husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish until death do you part?" Inviting people was a lot harder than it should be, don't let the media fool you. The family members, as many as there may be, were the easy part. Few had to decline, since the wedding was basically on the next day, but quite a few agreed to see the newlyweds, either at or after the ceremony. The hard part were their friends. Sybil, of course, agreed as soon as she heard about the wedding, dragging her son and husband along. Bosco was still paranoid as ever and had to decline, fearing that the wedding might just be a cover for his assassination. After inviting multiple other characters, including, but not limited to Jimmy Two Teeth, Mr. Spatula, Flint Paper and so on, they've decided that they might need a bigger church. Oh, and Superball. Sweet, sweet Superball. They've decided to let him do the honors and wed them, hoping he would recite the vows in his dramatic voice. They were not disappointed.

"Course I do! Here you go, little buddy." Sam put on a much smaller ring on his partner's wriggling finger.

"May the Lord in his kindness strengthen the consent you have declared before the Church and graciously bring to fulfillment his blessings within you. What God has joined, let no one put asunder.  
May the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac--" Superball was abruptly stopped by a certain rabbit yawning.

"Bo-ring. Can we get to the fun stuff now?" Max asked, impatiently tapping his foot on the ground.

Superball sighed, but not without a slight smile on his face. "I hereby declare you husbands."

Max didn't wait any second longer and jumped into Sam's arms, connecting their faces together in a smooch. At first Sam was caught by a surprise, but he quickly returned the kiss, slightly dipping the rabbit. They heard cheers and whistles and as they parted they noticed some of their family members rubbing their faces with handkerchiefs.

They were still smiling, although Max's smile was more psychotic than anything, but that wasn't anything new. The rabbit quickly pulled out his gun.  
"Now, let's blow up the church!"

Sam put his hand on the barrel before he could do anything, however, lowering the gun. They started walking out of the church, some guests already out. Impatient little bastards. "Maybe later. Now we've got a wedding reception to hold." Max's expression changed to more of an annoyed scowl.

"Ugh, that's when Aunt Gertrude always breaks down on the dancefloor. I do not want to see that, and trust me, neither do you." He warned, shuddering from just the thought of the past experience.

Sam shrugged, smiling happily at his husband. "I'm just happy Grandma Ruth could make it here. She had problems at work again."

Max raised a brow hearing this. "Lousy prisoners?"

"Moreso."

When they finally reached the tent, it was already beaming with life and laughter. Some kids were running around the tables, almost toppling one of them over. The newlyweds noticed little Robert running in front of the younglings, his inhuman strenght letting him pick one of the brats up with ease. Sam laughed at the scene before noticing Sybil, who was waving at them, before her husband started to say something to her, getting a laugh out of her.

"I'm glad the tent was conveniently placed near the church." The canine exclaimed, putting his hands on his hips. He looked around, deciding that, despite the wedding being fun, they deserved a well deserved rest after that. Maybe they could spend their honeymoon in bed?

"Is it not how it always is?" Max asked, confused.

But before Sam could answer and call Max a dummy, they heard a voice call them over, belonging to none other than the child prodigy herself. "You guys!"

"Geek!" They screamed in unison, noticing a tiny red head in a rather fancy green suit. She walked over to them, nearly getting ran over by some playing kids.

"Thanks for inviting me and all, but I think some of your relatives are fighting over the buffet." She exclaimed, pointing to a small rabbit holding a fork with saucy sausages stuck on it. They were about to get swooped by yet another rabbit, but not before an elder dog scolded the duo.

"Oh dear, I'll be right back. No, Joey! The sausages do not mix well with wine!" Sam exclaimed before running up to them to avoid a situation of sausages marinated in wine.

Max balanced on his toes, looking at some of his relatives who just recently got out of jail, before starting a conversation. "Speaking of relatives, how did your parents let you work at that factory?" He asked, cocking his head to the side, his ears adorably bobbing as he did so.

"Oh, I'm an orphan." The Geek declared nonchalantly, smiling genuinely at the rabbit before looking towards the bigger canine who was holding two rabbits by their shirts. "Max, is everything alright?" She looked at the rabbit when he didn't speak back. Max at the other hand, looked as if he was about to explode, letting out a small humming noise.

"...SAM! We have to adopt a child ASAP!" He screamed loud enough that the whole tent heard him. The dog in question looked back, with a nasty blob of oil making its way on his white suit.

"Huh? Who? Why?" He asked, confused of what his partner was planning now.

"Geek!" He exclaimed and Sam did not ask anything any further.

"Right on it, little buddy!" He said, walking to some family lawyer Geek didn't get a good look at.

"Guys, it's fine, I--" She insisted, but they just wouldn't listen as Max started to fantasize about their life together as a family.

The rabbit put his hand on her shoulder reassuringly. "We are going to give you the best family a lagomorph and a talking dog can give you!" He declared, beaming her yet another of his smiles. At this moment, she was the center of attention, making her wish she was at home.

"Guys." She groaned, hiding her face in her hands, embarassed. But Max went on, telling her how she can have their basement, how they will paint it however she will want, she just needed to say what she needed.

"We will take you to school, Sam will be the one to drive, of course. Sam, are the papers filled yet?" He asked in his husband's direction. Sam was currently bend over a table with papers in his hands, waiting for the small rabbit to finish writing.

"Joey can write only as fast, little buddy!" He exclaimed, the poor rabbit in question could feel carpal tunnel form in his hand as he wrote more and more words.

Darla sighed, trying to think of a way to stop the two. The cake was already cut- sorry, it was teared apart by furry little hands, and she had no idea what traditions antromorphic canines or lagomorphs held. Then she sprung up from her hunched over position, leaning over to Max, who was still smiling at her. "I think it's the time for the newlyweds to dance, isn't it?"

"What?" Max looked at her confused, before realizing what she meant. "Oh, yeah! Come over here, you handsome freak of the nature, you!" He exclaimed, dragging his husband to the dancefloor, causing him to drop the papers he was holding.

"Max, you should know that I caused about 30 broken toes, in the past few years alone." Sam exclaimed, looking down at his partner who in response just brushed it off.

"Good thing I have spare toes in our closet." He said, wiggling his fingers between Sam's, who had to lower his hands in order for the rabbit to reach without standing on his toes. In all honesty, any bystander could tell just how awkward it looked, but the duo didn't care. The music started and Sam moved his foot back, followed by Max putting his foot closer to his. While the rabbit kept looking at his partner, Sam just looked at the floor. "Relax, Sam. It's our wedding!"

Sam smiled sheepishly before looking away from the floor. Sometime later, when the canine came a tad to close to ruining the dance he decided to pick up the rabbit, causing him to fall into a fit of laughter. "You're such a dork, Sam." He exclaimed affectionately.

"Just as much as you're a pinhead." He said, not worrying about his moves anymore, looking only at his partner.

Caught up in their own personal bubble, they did not hear Sybil's cries of beckoning at Robert who has ran at the dancefloor, giving some pup a piggyride. He has ran past the newlyweds, but not without Sam accidentally tumbling over. Thankfully, no kids were harmed that day, just one canine's butt. Sam and Max did not seem to care however, as they started laughing, realizing how appropriate it was for them to fall over at their own wedding.

The Geek looked at her new dads with a smile, realizing just at what she has been signed up for. "Dorks."


End file.
